You've had the conversation before. Maybe dozens of times. You know how it starts, you know how it ends, and somewhere in the middle, you can hear yourself saying things you swore you wouldn't say again. Afterward, there's the familiar mix of frustration, exhaustion, and something that might be shame — not just about the argument, but about the fact that it happened again.

If you're a reasonably self-aware person, which most people who end up in therapy are, this is particularly maddening. You understand the dynamic. You've probably named it. You may have read the books, done the work, and still find yourself back in the same place, saying the same things, feeling the same feelings.

You should know a thing or two about this; however, it's neuroscience at play, and that changes everything. As a NYC Couples Therapist with a private practice for nearly 20 years, this is one of the most common reasons people reach out for relationship counseling. “Why do we have the same fights over and over, without resolution?”