How does EMDR work? If you've ever tried to explain EMDR to someone who hasn't experienced it, you know how strange it sounds. You follow your therapist's fingers with your eyes, or you hold small buzzers that alternate between your hands, and somehow — sometimes within a handful of sessions — something shifts that years of talking about a problem couldn't touch. It seems almost too simple. And yet the results, for many people, are anything but. EMDR therapy has been called “sneaky powerful,” and it is. That’s my personal experience as an EMDR therapist in NYC. I’ve been using EMDR for at least 15 years with great success.

So what actually happens during EMDR?

The answer requires a brief trip into neuroscience — not the oversimplified version, but the real, still-evolving science of how the brain stores experience, why some memories refuse to stay in the past, and what bilateral stimulation appears to do that makes EMDR work the way it does.

How the brain normally processes experiences

Betrayal trauma in an intimate relationship is unlike any other form of betrayal. It shatters your heart and changes your relationship forever. If you have a history of relational trauma or betrayal, it can feel even more impactful. When a partner cheats, it doesn’t have to ruin a marriage, though it can certainly be a turning point. How a couple navigates through it depends on many factors, such as the nature of the betrayal, the level of trust, the history of the relationship, and, most importantly, the willingness of both partners to heal and rebuild. Now the real work begins after an intimate betrayal disrupts a relationship. Couple therapy will not succeed in healing the trauma if both partners are not fully committed.

Some couples can work through betrayal by having open, honest conversations, seeking counseling, and rebuilding trust over time. It can be a long and painful process, but it’s not impossible. Others, however, might find the betrayal too much to overcome, or they are unwilling to remain in the relationship. A skilled and experienced relationship counselor can help you identify the root causes of the affair and uncover deeper issues within the relationship and the partner who strayed.

Can my marriage ever be whole again? Will we ever move beyond this? Can I forgive? Can I ever trust my spouse again? Can we truly experience full healing after betrayal trauma? Can I hold hope that are relationship can be even more fulfilling?

These questions are heavy on the soul. When someone you love betrays you, it can have profound emotional, psychological, and even physical effects.